My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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