is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
