I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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