I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
