The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
