11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
