I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
