OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
