This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
