Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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