You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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