God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
