I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
