my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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