i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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