we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
