I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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