the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
