my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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