Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
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i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
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I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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