You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
