I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
