Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
