I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
