Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
