I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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