Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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