Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Two words: blizzard sex
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
