Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
