i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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