I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
