WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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