Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
