Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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