people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
