Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
