The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
