I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
All the doctor said was why
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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