cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
