her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
