A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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