A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
