How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
