I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
