I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
