I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
