Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
