there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
