Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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