you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You have to summon your inner elephant
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
