Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
