I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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