I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
